


The CupHoard

by wanderingsmith



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-21
Updated: 2014-04-21
Packaged: 2018-01-20 06:56:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1501013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wanderingsmith/pseuds/wanderingsmith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spoon-pantry quickie (i.e. self-indulgent crack!smut :D)<br/>..with a side of Lobelia!torture</p>
            </blockquote>





	The CupHoard

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I ain't got no money, and nobody'd be daft enough to pay me for this. As it is thought, so let it be said; you make the toys, I play with 'em.
> 
>  **Canon-screwing:** so it appears my 25-or-so year-old memory of reading The Hobbit has failed me. and my eyes while reading lotr.wikia besides. **Will Whitfoot and Hamfast Gamgee** are entirely the wrong age
> 
> you can thank the comment exchange with Bofursunboundbraids here http://archiveofourown.org/comments/8604550
> 
> and overtherisingstar for sanity!checking the first draft :)

"*Why* in Thranduil's dank realm are you accepting an invitation from that witch??"

"Because you don't like me using my ring, anymore. This is perfect for getting my silverware back."

"You are attending a party so that you can steal your silverware? Is she not going to expect you to try this?"

"Of course. But it's a big party and a long one. Sooner or later she'll be forced to look away. And then it's one quick sneak and what is mine will be mine again!" Bilbo's grin was evil itself, anticipating the pleasure of Lobelia's dismay.

He entirely missed Thorin's own brief smirk.

\------------

As soon as he heard the outraged cry of Lobelia's grandmother trail in from the garden, Bilbo knew he had his moment. He casually set his glass of punch on the nearest table, shook his head at Will's foolishness at still trying to argue best manure with Hamfast, and strolled off to the canary-yellow round door not far away. He clenched his teeth when he felt the wall of heat suddenly following him and muttered over his shoulder, "You are *not* burglar material, 'your majesty'!"

All he got in response was a quiet chuckle.

At least he couldn't hear his husband's metal-studded clodhoppers; the dwarf was, as a matter of fact, no louder than the noisiest hobbit.

Stepping through the door as casually as any invited guest would, he was glad to find no one wandering the kitchen and stepped a little quicker to the carved door to his greedy cousin's silverware *pantry*. All four feet deep of it.

He gave the handle a try even as he reached in his pocked for his trusty old pick, ignoring the surprised grunt from behind him when it opened the door as easily as a certain clunky key had unlocked Erebor.

Putting his tool away safely, he heard the dwarf that had a literal *mountain* of gold exclaim barely quietly enough, "Mahal! How many spoons does she *have*??"

Slipping into the barely hobbit-sized space between the shelves to start looking for his property, Bilbo replied absently, "Looks like she's managed to steal from almost everyone in the West Farthing, at the least." He darted a hand behind a box *full* of what looked like *Brandyhall* cutlery though, and found his set, held together with a strip of leather. 

"Aha!" he crowed, smirking at his stolen goods. 'Bare on the shelf!' an insulted voice that sounded like his father muttered at the back of his mind. 

Thorin snorted behind him, "Why do I suddenly feel supplanted in your affections, husband?"

Bilbo turned and looked at the amused king lounging back against the re-closed door, absently wondering how the light gilding the grey in his dark hair was getting in the room, his pulse skittering happily with both victory and the very attractive picture his dwarf was presenting. 

"I rescued *you* from an *elvish prison*, husband."

Thorin's smirk softened, "So you did. I would wish we had had more time then that I could have watched you looking so flushed with victory."

Closing the bare foot of space between them, Bilbo first slid his recovered spoons into the inside pocket of one of his husband's more elegant dwarven-style shirts, and then crossed his arms on his teasing co-conspirator's chest, "And what would you have done with me, my king?" He didn't wait for the verbal answer to cover his love's lips with his, though, he'd had his own wishes after that little escapade...

Already excited from the risk they were taking in the midst of their so quiet extended visit to the Shire, he pressed on the not-remotely-resisting lips, forcing them open and darting his tongue in. Feeling the familiar pleasure of his dwarf's rough beard dig into the soft skin around his mouth, hunting for and finding a long, rough tongue that knew just how to twist around his own; and other things of his. Faintly feeling a hand slide into the curls at the back of his head, closing nonexistent space between them, and then another wide palm roughly and quickly running over his back and buttocks and legs; kneading, scratching and otherwise making even more blood rush through his veins. 

Oh what he'd rather have in his mouth right now! He sucked that tongue hard, grinding himself against proof that he wasn't the only one feeling like a teen from the danger. Revelling in the choked grunt the actions got him. Continuing to ravage tongue and teeth and mouth and lips, rocking his hips hard, Bilbo quite suddenly registered the rough cloth of his smalls grating on him.

And remembered the gauntlet of curious hobbit party goers that their clothes had to pass to get out of here and he groaned, pulling back to hide his lips in Thorin's open collar. "We can't-" he had to stop for breath, "I am *not* walking out of here with spend soaking my pants."

"Here-" the gasp was followed by the dwarf's body jerking under his until he felt something smooth push into his shoulder and looked up.

Seeing the little bottle of oil his sneaky, and suspiciously docile husband was holding up, Bilbo gave him an incredulous look, "There is no room to swing a baby warg in here, let alone fuck a dwarf as he should be." No matter how much he needed to do just that!

He stiffened to resist temptation at the familiar lust that slackened his king's severe lips before he leaned too close for Bilbo to see them. The hobbit downright shuddered when those lips whispered against his far too blasted sensitive ear tips, "I am certain you will think of something, my burglar."

It'd been a long while since Bilbo had been able to resist a challenge. Let along Thorin.

\----------------------------

Sipping the last of his mead and debating between another piece of strawberry pie or Bilbo's famous squash cake, Hamfast grunted as he and Will stepped up to the dessert table, not noticing their frowning hostess coming up behind him, "Have you seen Bilbo, Will? Didn't notice him walking away from us."

Will smirked as he reached for his third serving of raisin pudding, "You were too busy-"

"FUCK yes! Harder, Bilbo. Mahal please, âzyun- fuckm- yestheredon'ts-"

Will, and Lobelia behind him, froze and Hamfast spit his mouthful of mead over the fruit tray. 

Then all three of them lifted wide eyes to the small window just under the roof line, hearing the savage roar as clear as Buckland horns.

\----------------------------

His mouth clamped hard and suckling greedily on his husband's hard cock, Bilbo slid his oil-slick finger without warning into the tight channel, and felt himself swell painfully at the feel of grasping heat rippling along his digit. 'His! This was *his*!' Choked cry in his ears and flex of that cock on his tongue and Bilbo jerked his elbow against the thigh too close to the arm he was trying to pump. 

When that leg shifted up to rest on his shoulder, he finally had unimpeded movement, and he *felt* (oh please- I need- let me-) the shift in ass muscles open that sweet pucker he could (needed to) bury himself in right now. Whining with frustration, he pulled out to stroke at crinkled skin, ignoring the sound of a thick dwarven head hitting the door above him, smoothing more oil and bringing a second finger alongside the first, lifting his head enough to tongue at the leaking slit. And then sucking his way back down as far as he could as his fingers slid in. 

Oh if they were home he'd make Thorin repeat that howl a thousand times... Bilbo moaned, regretfully speeding the pace; sucking hard and shifting his fingers, tongue stroking the underside as he felt for that spot-

"FUCK yes! Harder, Bilbo. Mahal please, âzyun- fuckm- yestheredon'ts-"

Oh that roar had been loud. And they needed to- But he needed- Bilbo swallowed hard as he stroked his fingers out quickly, ignoring the whimper and hip thrust and scrambling up, a feral growl escaping him at the sight of his panting lover's slack-mouthed expression.

Fisting the stiff silk of Thorin's collar without a thought for the material and tugging the unresisting dwarf down to his knees, he unhesitatingly thrust his desperately tight cock between lips *he* had kissed into that swollen state and he could not help snapping his head back with a cry. 

Too fast, too much, that molten gold feeling starting down his spine that he could not stop no matter how great and terrible its strength and fury and he had to move, had to feel that wet mouth stroke him right *now*. Struggling to breathe, his head dropped and he was caught by eyes blown black over cheeks visibly flushed with lust. And those slack lips tightened and sucked and there were *teeth* teasing- 

..Did someone just scream? The thought was vague as Bilbo opened unfocused eyes he didn't remember closing and felt familiar hands holding his hips as he continued to shudder.

"We had best return to the celebration."

"Yessss." Bilbo worked at catching his breath as Thorin got up off his knees with the effortless grace of the warrior he was and then tidied both their clothes back up.

"You. Are gloating."

"I am." Thorin's grin got even filthier as Bilbo watched him wipe his soaked beard on his sleeve.

And Bilbo barely resisted tackling him to the floor and damn the lack of space and damages from jerking feet. 

Bag End. Right in front of the door. That was as far as they were going to make it. Maybe. Breathe. Must breathe. 

"Any particular reason?"

"Because you growl for me, my gentle hobbit."

\--------------------------

Hamfast stood a few feet from the kitchen door, hiding his smirk behind his glass of homebrew and watching poor old Will offer pale but already starting to mutter Lobelia a stiffener. Hamfast personally thought that was a waste of good hooch; she was more than stiff enough already. 

His gaze eagerly flew to the kitchen door when it opened, and he had to bite his lip to silence his laughter at the sight of Bilbo strutting out cheerfully, looking as put together as he'd arrived, if a mite pink.

Master Baggins' dwarf king, on the other hand, straightening once past the low doorway, looked like nothing but the well-debauched husband he was, for all that every article of clothing was in place and properly fastened. Now what was it that trader had said... Ha! 'Like a well-loved Umbarian harem-boy' Beards did not hide as much of lips and cheeks as he'd thought they would.

"How do you *dare*-"

Bilbo ignored Lobelia's purple-faced screech entirely to ask Will about tomorrow's council meeting. But the gardener's eyes watered to hear master Thorin cut her off to thank her for a very pleasant party, his tone only a touch loud but very impressively bland for someone running an already damp sleeve over his beard.

"We must have you over to Bag End soon, *cousin*." The dwarf's grin grew teeth that Hamfast could see even ten feet away, "Though I don't recommend coming without warning. We would not want my ways to shock you."

Hamfast's crack of laughter could not be stopped this time. Luckily, Lobelia had already passed out, and the shameless grins both Bilbo and his king sent him held no objection to sharing the fun.

**Author's Note:**

> oh, and I've not the least idea whether there are harem's in Umbar. I did try to have a fast look at the description of the countries, but when the answer wasn't immediately there I shrugged and reminded the nitpicker in my head 'Hey! CRACK!smut. who cares??'
> 
> oh! and Shinigami24 reminded me that I should thank Shopping series by keelywolfe for my headcanon of dirty!Hamfast


End file.
